Seattle versus The ‘Burg

By The Wise Guy

As the big 4-0 game rapidly approaches, our sources tell us that the mayors of Pittsburgh and Seattle have made the traditional friendly wager on the outcome of this year’s Superbowl.   [Thought: Why do mayors and governors always do this stuff—makes you wonder if they have too much time on their hands.]  If the Steelers win, Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels has pledged to wear a Terrible Towel around his waste as a loincloth and nothing else for a day.  Conversely, if Seattle wins, Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O’Connor has pledged die his hair Seahawk teal. 

We decided to get into the spirit as well, and to settle the eternal question, which city is better, Seattle or Pittsburgh?  The Wise Guy has compiled a list of comparisons between them that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the superiority of our fair city.  Here goes:

Seattle has salmon.  We have carp.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has The Space Needle.  We have The Incline.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Mt. Rainer.  We have Mt. Oliver.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Microsoft.  We have Mr. Softee.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Starbucks.  We have Reymer’s Lemon Blennd.  OK, so they win one.

Seattle has Olympia Beer.  We have Iron City.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Grundge.  We have Polka.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Costco.  We have Giant Eagle.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Jimi Hendrix.  We have Perry Como.   Ok, they win another close one.

Seattle has Paul Allen.  We have Paul Long.  Sort of. Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Bill Gates.  We have Chilly Billy Cardille. Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Washington.  We have Little Washington. Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has Pearl Jam.  We have Heinz Ketchup.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has ferries.  We have the Gateway Clipper. Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has the monorail.  We had a monorail in South Park once upon a time, too.  What a waste that was.  Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has rain 300 days a year.  We have partly cloudy weather 300 days a year.  Draw.

Seattle has the Mariners.  We have the Pirates.  A pirate will always beat up a mariner. Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has the one ocean.  We have Three Rivers. Advantage, The ‘Burg.

Seattle has the Seahawks.  We have the Steelers.  Need we say more?